The Internet has been around a while, now. But, I still find it an amazing platform for innovation, not just in technology, but in life. Beyond admiring the way it powers so many inventions and businesses, it has become a personal thing for me. I love the fact that, wherever I might be, I can use technology to see my family and chat with them, and Social Media to tap into what my friends are doing.
Today, I want to begin to better connect with Republicans everywhere.
My first blog entry, therefore, is really a couple of questions for you; use the comment button to send me replies. We will run as many questions as we can, which I will answer.
Why are you a Republican? Think about that for a minute.
When I was old enough to vote, my Mother advised me to pick the Party that was committed to protecting my God-given Liberties. I did my research and made my choice with my Mother’s advice in mind---how did you make yours?
How can we better serve you so you can help propel the Republican movement? I have instructed my Senior Staff to spend time, not only keeping you informed through their blogs on the new GOP.com but, relating with people in OurGOP: The Republican Action Network. Everyone from my Political Director, who works with our amazing State Parties to elect Republicans, to my Director of Coalitions, who is creating exciting strategies to reach new voters, to my Chief Administrative Officer, who makes sure your donations are treated as the kind gift they are, will spend time in that network.
Now that you will have much better access to them, what can each of our Division Leaders do in that network to help you?
-Chairman Michael Steele
The Fake GOP
This is a Parody
Republican Social Media Campaign
Share this Badge
Click if you Love America
Corn makes America great, it is from our heartland.
Heroes
Heroes
AMERICA
My inquiries, necessarily hasty and perfunctory as I write this letter to meet a deadline, have elicited a wealth of information about The Republican Party. Please note that many of the conclusions I'm about to draw are based on cogent and virtually incontrovertible evidence provided by a set of people who have suffered immensely on account of The Republican Party. The biggest difference between me and The Republican Party is that The Republican Party wants to squeeze every last drop of blood from our overworked, overtaxed bodies. I, on the other hand, want to build a better world, a cleaner world, a safer world, and a saner world.
ReplyDeleteThe Republican Party wants to prevent us from commenting on its manifestos. If it manages to do that, it'll have plenty of time to focus on its core mission: turning clods loose against us good citizens. Even if one isn't completely conversant with current events, the evidence overwhelmingly indicates that The Republican Party must have recently made a huge withdrawal from the First National Bank of Lies. How else could it manage to tell us that our only chance of saving the planet is to accept unending regulations and straightjacket "reforms" from its surrogates?
The Republican Party seems to have recently added the word "historicocabbalistical" to its otherwise simplistic vocabulary. I suppose it intends to use big words like that to obscure the fact that I unquestionably dislike it. Likes or dislikes, however, are irrelevant to observed facts, such as that if you think you can escape from The Republican Party's cankered circulars, then good-bye and good luck. To the rest of you I suggest that I don't know if it is consciously and purposely evil or merely sophomoric. I do know, however, that The Republican Party is never without a directionless thing to say. The facts are indisputable, the arguments are impeccable, and the consequences are undeniable. So why does The Republican Party believe that an open party with unlimited access to alcohol can't possibly outgrow the host's ability to manage the crowd? The most appealing theory has to do with the way that many people think of its insensitive precepts as a joke, as something only half-serious. In fact, they're deadly serious. They're the tool by which spleeny, foolish quiddlers will spawn delusions of interdenominationalism's resplendence in the blink of an eye. A second all-too-serious item is that The Republican Party sometimes uses the word "histomorphologically" when describing its criticisms. Beware! This is a buzzword designed for emotional response. After having read this, you may think that The Republican Party's approach is generally to seize upon an anecdote or a narrow and limited manifestation and/or purpose, and then totally blow it out of proportion to justify its unholy catch-phrases. Nevertheless, you should always remember that history has proven beyond any doubt that I find The Republican Party's lack of depth and insight mind-boggling.
In order to win a battle one must know who the real enemy is. Otherwise, one is shooting in the dark and often hitting those not the least bit responsible for the mayhem. In our current battle the real enemy is The Republican Party. Let's start with my claim that The Republican Party has been doing "in-depth research" (whatever it thinks that means) to prove that if it kicks us in the teeth we'll then lick its toes and beg for another kick. I should mention that I've been doing some research of my own. So far, I've "discovered" that sick schizophrenics are more susceptible to The Republican Party's brainwashing tactics than are any other group. Like water, their minds take the form of whatever receptacle it puts them in. They then lose all recollection that the ridiculous meatheads that comprise The Republican Party's band are as thick as thieves. If one of them is willing to make individuals indifferent to the survival of their families, then they all are. What's more, none of them is able to accept that I'm not writing this letter for your entertainment. I'm not even writing it for your education. I'm writing it for our very survival. Stand with me, be honest with me, and help me expose some of The Republican Party's violent, venom-spouting deeds, and together we'll draw an accurate portrait of its ideological alignment. We'll turn its baleful put-downs to our advantage. I'm counting on you. Thanks for reading this.
ReplyDeleteOnce again, I find disappointment. Once again, I find no satisfaction. Once again, I find that The Republican Party takes extreme pride in the fact that its votaries treat anyone who doesn't agree with The Republican Party to a torrent of vitriol and vilification. First and foremost, it's not necessarily difficult to stand by our principles and be true to them on all occasions, in all places, against all foes, and at whatever cost. We can begin simply by commenting on its proposed social programs. See? I told you it wasn't necessarily difficult. We just need to remember that there is no such thing as evil in the abstract. It exists only in the evil deeds of evil organizations like The Republican Party. All in all, I realize that this letter has seemed incredibly bleak. However, expecting the worst from The Republican Party means we will never be disappointed. If we're wrong and The Republican Party does not try to take credit for others' accomplishments, we'll be relieved. If we're right and it does, we'll be prepared.
ReplyDeleteThere are three talking points that no reasonable letter about The Republican Party can possibly ignore:
ReplyDelete1. The Republican Party's ideas about particularism are strictly for the birds—or at least, for birdbrains.
2. The Republican Party's screeds are chauvinism redux.
3. We have a right, an indisputable, inalienable, indefeasible, divine right to open students' eyes, minds, hearts, and souls to the world around them.
Let's get down to brass tacks: I sometimes ask myself whether the struggle to express my views is worth all of the potential consequences. And I consistently answer by saying that it's easy to tell if The Republican Party is lying. If its lips are moving, it's lying. To conclude, for some strange reason, The Republican Party is worried it'll be disenfranchised and shunned by filthy, power-drunk scofflaws of one sort or another.
So here I am taking time out of my busy schedule to let you and maybe a few other people know that The Republican Party often expresses great interest in, and approval of, violent acts reported in the press—spousal abuse, shooting sprees, capital punishment, and so forth. For complete details, I refer you to my forthcoming book on the subject. I shall here mention only a few random items that may be new or especially interesting to you. For instance, in public, The Republican Party promises that it'd never cover up its criminal ineptitude. In private, however, it secretly tells its goons that it'll do exactly that. I think we've seen this movie before: It's called Business as Usual for The Republican Party. Look at what's happened since The Republican Party first ordered its lieutenants to stir up trouble: Views once considered refractory are now considered ordinary. Views once considered rancorous are now considered perfectly normal. And the most mentally deficient of The Republican Party's views are now seen as gospel by legions of brassbound boneheads. Thanks to The Republican Party, our national and individual sovereignty is fluttering precariously in the wind. And that's the honest truth.
ReplyDeleteThe Republican Party's lack of professional ethics has become so flagrant that it merits your complete attention. Let's review the errors in The Republican Party's statements in order. First, most of us are now painfully aware of The Republican Party's scurrilous personal attacks. Because "piezocrystallization" is a word that can be interpreted in many ways, we must make it clear that The Republican Party has conceived the project of reigning over opinions and of conquering neither kingdoms nor provinces but the human mind. If this project succeeds then wily propagandists will be free to subordinate principles of fairness to less admirable criteria. Even worse, it will be illegal for anyone to say anything about how wherever vainglorious prevaricators are seen turning serpents loose against us good citizens, The Republican Party is there. Wherever wayward geeks are found forcing me to endure The Republican Party's despotic tyranny in all its plenitude, The Republican Party is lurking nearby. Wherever hypersensitive wonks are observed giving rise to ruthless blusterers, The Republican Party will no doubt be in the vicinity. I defy any coincidence theorist to try to explain away those observations. Clearly, The Republican Party has been trying for quite some time to convince us that it's inappropriate to teach children right from wrong. I suggest it take this rotting ordure and dump it where it and its fellow irresponsible smart alecks congregate. At least then we could unite rich and poor, young and old, without having to worry that it will deploy enormous resources in a war of attrition against helpless citizens. Now that you've heard what I've had to say, I want you to think about it. And I want you to join me and throw down the gauntlet and challenge The Republican Party's drones to act against injustice, whether it concerns drunk driving, domestic violence, or even sesquipedalianism.
ReplyDeleteI want to share with you a few of the tentative conclusions I've reached regarding The Republican Party's opinions. And I stress the word "tentative," because the subject of what motivates The Republican Party is tricky and complex. The following text regards my complaints of recent days against The Republican Party and its subtle but malicious attempts to panic irrationally and overreact completely. The Republican Party truly believes that its expostulations are all sweetness and light. It is just such inane, huffy megalomania, soporific egoism, and intellectual aberrancy that stirs The Republican Party to con us into believing that university professors must conform their theses and conclusions to its disorganized prejudices if they want to publish papers and advance their careers. I wish I didn't have to be the one to break the news that it's not fair for The Republican Party to reopen wounds that seem scarcely healed. Nevertheless, I cannot afford to pass by anything that may help me make my point. So let me just state that The Republican Party likes to force its moral code on the rest of us. Such activity can flourish only in the dark, however. If you drag it into the open, The Republican Party and its spokesmen will run for cover like cockroaches in a dirty kitchen when the light is turned on suddenly during the night. That's why we must debunk the nonsense spouted by The Republican Party's mercenaries. As a closing statement, let me emphasize that we have no choice but to sound the bugle of liberty. The time to act is now.
ReplyDeleteI recently had the fortunate experience of being enlightened (or educated) as to what evil The Republican Party is currently conspiring to unleash upon the world. I would now like to share that experience with you. To begin at the beginning, The Republican Party has somehow made up its mind that everyone and everything discriminates against it—including the writing on the bathroom stalls. It seems to me that what it is doing is jumping to a hasty conclusion in the absence of adequate data. A more reasoned analysis would reveal that if The Republican Party were paying attention—which it would seem it is not, as I've already gone over this—it'd see that its ignorance is encyclopedic. To cap that off, it once tried to resort to ad hominem attacks on me and my family. If you consider this an exception to the rule then you undoubtedly don't understand how The Republican Party operates. I hope, however, that you at least understand that it insists that we have too much freedom. Sorry, The Republican Party, but, with apologies to Gershwin, "it ain't necessarily so." I've left out many criticisms of The Republican Party from this wailing wall of a letter. Nevertheless, I profess that it's a start—a philosophical space where we can plant a new flag symbolizing all that is wrong with The Republican Party.
ReplyDeleteThis letter is not meant to be witty or insulting and I am afraid I won't even be able to make it eloquent. But I, not being one of the many sinful beatniks of this world, will do the best I can to take a strong position on The Republican Party's inveracities, which, after all, pull the levers of clericalism and oil the gears of favoritism. In the text that follows, when I quote from The Republican Party, I will use the word "excrement" in place of another word which is now apparently permitted in general circulation publications and which I have edited out. It's a pity that two thousand years after Christ, the voices of detestable, vainglorious prigs like The Republican Party can still be heard, worse still that they're listened to, and worst of all that anyone believes them. Certainly, The Republican Party's notions may have been conceived in idealism, but they quickly degenerated into laughable sesquipedalianism. I suppose that's all I have to say in this letter. If there are any points on which you require explanation or further particulars I shall be glad to furnish such additional details as may be required.
ReplyDeleteMy goal for this letter is to contribute to the intellectual and spiritual health of the body politic. I shall do this in the only honest way that I can, which is by simply setting forth those principles that I personally believe in and that I personally observe and honor. But before I continue, allow me to explain that I believe I have finally figured out what makes organizations like The Republican Party make life less pleasant for us. It appears to be a combination of an overactive mind, lack of common sense, assurance of one's own moral propriety, and a total lack of exposure to the real world. Did it ever occur to The Republican Party that maybe a true enemy is better than a false friend? Dream on. The Republican Party consumes, infests, and destroys. It lives off the death and destruction of others. For that reason alone we need to develop a rational-empirical base for dialogue about The Republican Party's obiter dicta. As this letter draws to a close, I want to challenge you, the reader, to improve the living conditions of the most vulnerable in our society—the sick, the old, the disabled, the unemployed, and our youth—all of whose lives are made miserable by The Republican Party. That's what I intend to do until my last breath.
ReplyDeleteThis letter contains some tough news. It's not pleasant to hear, but it's very important, and it's part of telling the truth. In the first place, the biggest supporters of The Republican Party's pertinacious revenge fantasies are eccentric mountebanks and myopic spongers. A secondary class of ardent supporters consists of ladies of elastic virtue and cosmopolitan tendencies to whom such things afford a decent excuse for displaying their fascinations at their open windows. This has been a long letter, but I feel that its length is in direct proportion to its importance. Why? Because The Republican Party exhibits certain features that a humanitarian may be inclined to deplore.
ReplyDelete